103 rules and counting — contributed by the community.
What does it mean to be a mature kid or a mature professional? Apart from a potential discussion in semantics, the word's meaning and usage ultimately is a practical denomination for a level of development desirable to achieve in any context. One of my favorite definitions that worked well in evaluation both my own and others maturity was defining it as being aware of the consequences of one's actions. An immature kid is going to experiment with everything - crayons, mini-pianos, parent's patience, stoves and sharp objects. A mature kid will probably skip some of these understanding the consequences. Same goes for a student or a professional. What happens to your time, how do people react, what produces results, etc. It's all different types of consequences. What this teaches us apart from giving us some sort of a measurement is that ways towards understanding the consequences are many, but usually it's based on mistakes we or others have made. And making it a conscious choice to accept those risks or not because no one can guarantee us everything. Hence, maturity isn't necessarily getting the expected results. It is to understand the existence of a scenario where we don't. Lastly, but most importantly - sometimes we need to let go and just jump into the jacuzzi.
There are no universal rules. No forever truths. There's no ultimate judge to define right and wrong but our internal moral compass. Thinking for ourselves is the only reliable option. This is both a relief and a supreme responsibility. For instance, Stoic philosophy may resonate and work for you, but choosing a life philosophy isn't a plug'n'play process. We would be better off evaluating consistently whether everything a 2,000-year old text says, rather than follow it uncritically. We are products of the environment, but also actively creatе environments. One example of how thinking for yourself may not be as easy as it sounds is the proven existence of collective illusions. We can define them as shared false beliefs we disagree with privately, but wrongly assume everyone else agrees leading to conformity. Be it panic buying of toilet paper, fame and wealth as criteria for success, or the rise of fascism. Public and private opinions differ. The problem is that the perception of what the majority believes as opposed to the actual belief is easily manipulated. Did you know that 80% of social media content is created by less than 10% of the users? Loudest ones, usually. You probably have counted yourself out already after reading this. But so has everyone else. Question your beliefs and values. But be practical. Moderate, not radical. Avoid an internal debate for each of the million plus decisions made every day. Develop a set of personal decision rules instead, accepting that the level of correctness you will reach is at best probabilistic. Select proven experts with substantiated opinions aligned with your core values. Then remember to be critical now and again. People and circumstances change constantly. Good luck to us all.
In high pressure situations we don't rise to the occasion, we fall to the level of our preparation. Whether it's a live performance, a competitive match, or a management meeting the same rule applies: come prepared. With all the moving parts and people involved - anything can happen. And often will. We don't magically recall a special trick we saw somewhere on YouTube. It will come down to muscle memory developed through practice or resorting to tactics applied enough times in the past that we couldn't get it wrong if we tried. Believing preparation is unnecessary implies either underestimation of a challenge or overestimation of an ability. With experience we gain awareness of everything that could go wrong. Older drivers have slower reflexes, but the young ones will start reacting later because they lack anticipation. A trained fighter or chess player won't overpower their opponent with a lucky move. The difference will come from thousands of hours of training allow her to intuitively recognize the right move. Preparation is about respect for every person involved, as much as for ourselves. Nothing disappoints a room of potential clients faster than a lackadaisically built and presented pitch. To create trust and respect we need to display understanding, consideration and bring a ready set of solutions. The outcome of being badly prepared can traumatize the unprepared. The experience tends to turn into a core memory. A messed up solo on an out-of-tune guitar, an unrehearsed presentation, or making two shots on ten tries after subbing for an injured star player got injured. We can complicate our situation in the future as much as the present. A must-see video circulated the web illustrating the point perfectly. A seasoned pianist, Maria João Pires, performs at a concert in 1999. She was invited last minute to replace a colleague. On camera, Maria experiences the nightmare we all have. The orchestra starts playing a Mozart piece different than the one she had prepared. Before the introduction was done, with the help of the conductor, Maria composed herself. She performed the unexpected piece perfectly from memory thanks to decades of preparation. That is greatness. You won't regret looking up the video online.
After unexpectedly taking on a more responsible role in the company, I spent over a year reading books and preparing a strategy. Even though I kept the ongoing process afloat there was not much sense of achievement. Then a partner walked into the office and compassionately said: "You know, you'll need to start doing something at some point?" It reverberated like few other gently stated criticisms ever have. The path was clear - I would never feel fully ready. So, I got started. Whatever it is: deciding to start a family, learn to relax or read a book. The best time to kick it off is always now, because it's the only type of time we will ever have. The brain loves idealizing the image of our tomorrow self as able and willing to act. But as someone once said: "Our future self is not to be trusted." Much like our present self obviously isn't - we're someone's future self, too. I don't believe anyone is lazy or a natural procrastinator. We're simply weak in the face of impulses of pleasure or fear. Once you give in, the mind conjurs up elaborate, convincing narratives justifying the decision. What you are up against is not a mountain of work and suffering. It's a lightning fast, fleeting moment of decision. A mind trick that works well in periods of low dopamine is to tell yourself: "Just 2 minutes". By the time they're over, you will have already dove deep enough not to feel like you need to stop. Before you know it, you're not wasting any more now's. Same principle applies whether it's exercise, writing, chores, career change, etc. Our most precious resource isn't money, connections, knowledge, or health. It's time. Time is finite and there's no choice involved whether you're spending it or not. Ironically, we treat it with least care. Each "yes" to something is a withdrawal and each "no" is a deposit in your piggy bank waiting to be spent on something worthwhile. Not dillydallying, I'm sure everyone would agree.
All resources are limited - time, budget, willpower, skills, etc. We cannot accomplish everything. It doesn't get easier with time, either, as battles accumulate. The earlier we learn to pause and think before taking up arms, the better it is for our health, performance and the people around us. Our primate brain is great at making short-term decisions that keep us alive. But it's very poor for strategy. Thankfully the civilization no longer signs us up for a sprint, but a marathon. We're not choosing battles to survive, most of us at least, but where to invest our limited resources. Already suffering burnout in my mid 30s, I was juggling a technical team, marketing a portfolio of 50+ mobile apps, building an HR function from scratch to support 100+ employees, and coding on client projects. Eventually I had little choice but to prioritize. What helped was validating my thoughts with people who trusted, knew and confidently encouraged me to act. Whether I chose right will never be clear. That's the trick: does it matter once its done? Collateral damage is inevitable, but manageable - and there's no need to manage alone. Another source of waste that's plaguing contemporary humans is getting into arguments. A powerful framework called RISA helps structure thoughts or avoid meaningless debates. I find it works for internal debates just as well. The framework revolves around four questions, traditionally ordered into the title acronym: 1) Is the debate Real? Are we perhaps misunderstanding each other rather than having a real issue and difference of opinion? 2) Is the debate Important? Is the issue significant enough to warrant a full-blown disagreement argument between us? 3) Is the debate Specific? Is the topic focused and well-defined enough to enable progress? Or is it too broad and theoretical leading us to nowhere actionable, even in case of a resolution? 4) Are we Aligned? Are both sides entering the debate intent on finding a solution to propel us forward? Or we're in it just to prove we're right? Do not to let your emotions or someone else's agenda dictate yours. Otherwise, all that awaits is fighting on too many fronts and eventually burnout, i.e. emotional exhaustion, distancing yourself from the work you love and losing the sense of purpose. And then more autopilot and more battles you wouldn't have chosen had you allowed yourself time to stop and think.
In every instance that we follow a behavioral pattern, bad or good, it becomes either less or more probable to repeat it. A response to a stimulus becomes less or more likely. Performing a behavior we render it more likely in the same future situation. Withholding from a behavior renders it less likely to repeat. There is no third option. Punching something when angry, practicing restraint when passing by our favorite icecream shop, being empathetic when considering a different point of view, showing courage to speak truth to power, doing the right thing over the easy thing - becomes more likely once we've done it or less likely if we haven't. We control our behaviors. We are also a result of them. And that's a good thing. Every decision affects not only our current situation or even all situations yet to come - it reflects on our inner narrative and identity. This fact can grant additional motivation to tip the scales in the right direction in any dilemma. Neuroscience has proven it adamantly with brain scans showing how specific neural pathways become more likely to fire as a response to a given stimulus. We're so sure that it works that we've built a whole technology mimicking the logic. It's called artifical intelligence. We train machines to think by defining desired outcomes to strenghen associations in the digital brain. Hopefully this will give us time to rewire our own brains for the better. If you've got someone in your team who's developed a habit of spreading rumours and monopolizing conversations, it's probably because no one put enough effort into helping them out to change it. And each instance where their behaviour went unchallenged - it only made it worse. Trying to affect other's behaviour is not wrong, especially if done compassionately and openly. Which behaviours are normalized is the responsibility of every member of the group. Eating unhealthily at home? Company of friends binge drinking regularly? Star player not passing the ball? It takes feeling as a bit of an asshole on occasion to prevent larger, consistent assholery. More importantly, there's no alternative.
Carl Jung is the statement's author. How people perceive us shouldn't be a concern. Our concern is to do the right thing within our control zone. Nevertheless, everything we do still influences how others will perceive and treat us. Do you keep getting assigned the same tasks? Same reactions to your opinions? Same neglect of your needs? Same distance between reality and ambition? People are sticking to the archetype they've associated us with. Why? All that's happened is they had asked who you were: "Are you dependable? Are you empathetic? Are you authentic? What motivates you? Where do you want to be?" Through your behavior you've already answered. Is it the answer that you wanted? Or have you compromised your values to please others? To avoid a conflict or hide an imperfection? Nobody owes us anything and we reap what we sow. I had no a career plan. I settled for being part of a brilliant group of partners picking up the responsibilities of the day. I jumped from coding to marketing to sales to HR. Looking back and being completly honest: I was fine with that. The fact remains that I never answered consciously the question that the world had been asking. So, it's not necessarily a losing situation. But after the acquisition, I found myself stuck in a role I didn't really dream of as a kid. Frozen in the Head of People role as we made way for the big priority that was the integration process. Few years later, leaving the business, I am entering the career's second halftime feeling a burning need to answer the question with intent this time. Mistakes will be made. We can never fully eliminate frustration or disappointment. But the impact of both diminishes with experience. Don't concern yourself with what others see Worry about doing the right things instead. This will provide the right answers and the surroundings will shape around you.
The book "Atomic Habits" offers a bunch of advice on how to develop desirable habits and quit undesirable ones. The part which I never forgot is the three levels to which a habit can be developed: outcome, process or narrative. Outcome changes a single occurrence ("I went to the gym"). Process changes a series of occurrences ("I will go to the gym every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 8am"). Building an identity changes all known and upcoming occurrences ("I am a person who leads a healthy lifestyle; hence I go to the gym regularly."). Permanent, sustainable change only occurs when you've changed your inner narrative, i.e. identity. We've all done it a number times throughout our lives. Are you a diligent student? An ethical employee? A caring parent, child, or sibling? A trustworthy friend? Careful driver, perhaps? Generous host? Obsessive-compulsive cleaner? You get the idea, it's possible. After being diagnosed with gout I was determined: the solution would not involve shortcuts (medication included), but informed decisions on breaking and building habits. Today, I'm happy to have claimed a few new identities: - an alcohol abstainer - a person thinking what food does to the body, not just the taste buds - a person exercising regularly - a person aiming for prolonged healthspan for the sake of the ones they care about the most We should be careful not only of our own, but the identity of people we can influence, e.g. children or inexperienced colleagues. People cooperate with the narrative set by how others treat them. For example, if they make a mistake, don't judge them on anything but their effort. Help them build confidence in dealing with adversity, including developing their own identity. Developing identity is a continuous vote. We vote for or against an identity with every choice we make. No one's perfect all the time. Bad and good narratives are simply neural pathways which never completely disappear. Neuroplasticity has proven this - that's why old habits die hard - and occasionally breach the surface. So be mindful and bring your decisions from the subconscious to the conscious level.
A colleague in the regional People & Culture departmen was a champion. Topping the charts in slide decks per week, number of calls from early morning till late in the evening, drawing up updated organizational charts and RACI matrices, and being vocal in management meetings. When you drew the line actual results for the people were close to zero and for the culture - probably below zero, i.e. detrimental. But the champion behaviour was widely admired and celebrated as an example for others to follow. I couldn't help but wonder - why exactly? The official term for the answer, as I later found out, was Action Fallacy. A cognitive bias which leads us to mistaken heroism and visibility for quality leadership. Truth is that quality leadership - or any role, honestly - is lacking drama because it's about incremental, tangible improvements designed to prevent drama. A wonderful illustration of how susceptible to heroic narratives as opposed to smart planning we are as a species is the difference of visibility between the Shackleton and Amundsen expeditions from the early 20th century's obsession with reaching the farthest corners of our world. Shackleton was famous for his tenacity, battling ice shelves with dynamite, getting members of the expedition killed and falling behind schedule. Amundsen's was a meticulous researcher, planner, getting no people killed and being a day late on a 99-day expedition. Analyzing the Google Trends, though, there's four time more searches on Shackleton than on Amundsen. There's actually a book called "Getting Ahead" which I would heartily NOT recommend. It's exactly the type of crap that irreversibly injects Action Fallacy into an organization. Basically, it presents a PVI model (perception, visibility, influence) which will move you up the corporate ladder the fastest. No mention of adding value, critical thinking, caring for others. The only added value is to be aware of what some are up to. Sadly, the claims in the book are true. If you're part of an organization which has already caught the Action Fallacy virus - think about a career change.
Gaining power - be it financial, social, political, hierarchical, functional, etc. - tempts and tests your character. Will you perceive it as a tool to gain more power? Or as a privilege to help others? Will you think about what it would mean to weild your power responsibly? Traumas will seek revenge, needs will seek resolution, ego will seek validation. This is inevitable. As in any situation, being aware of oyur inner dialogue and motives will make the difference between succumbing to the temptations or recognizing an opportunity to give back. The secret people rarely consider is the limited mental capacity. We just cannot keep everything in our mind at the same time. Same problem happens with the Dunning-Kruger effect - it's not necessarily arrogance, it's the lack of capacity to both handle new information and consider the risks (i.e. we think it's going to be easy). In case of power corrupting us, raising above the average level you start seeing more things and need to manage more things, leaving less brain bandwidth to think about other people's perspectives. Not having a correctional force (like a long-time partner keeping you honest) - you are more likely to slip. After our second acquisition it was blatantly obvious that the people in the proverbial "Ivory Tower" just couldn't grasp the issues on the ground which is where inevitably things broke. Making multimillion dollar deals involving developers from Eastern Europe while on a yacht in Miami tends to make it diifficult to empathize. I don't blame the "ivory folks" for not being empathetic, but I do think that we all would have faired better had there been a way for them to hear what the voices from below deck where whispering. "The measure of a man is what he does with power." - Plato, "The Republic". A very true and practical quote. Power doesn't necessarily lead to corruption but acts of corruption only come with power. That's why I don't like the famous quote by Lord Acton which is "Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely." Power is necessary, but not sufficient reason for corruption. If a new team leader's first thoughts are about the newly acquired freedoms rather than responsibilities - it's a yellow flag. If a team leader deservingly gets demoted and starts playing the blame game - it's another yellow flag. If you're the strongest kid on the playground, do you start searching other kids' pockets for change or do you help them feel protected? As I said, temptations will come which makes granting power, if for a limited time, a very efficient test. Do not hurry to conclusions, because it does take time to evaluate one's new roles and figuring out how best to use it. If it happens to you - be mindful and conscientious. If it's someone next to you - be observant, but also empathetic.
The time of mythologized lone inventors and maverick entrepreneurs is gone. If it ever even existed. Even if we generate an original concept and are somehow capable to build it on our own, would we have the time and the skills to market it? Grow and support it from a local to a global success? We need colleagues, mentors, partners, clients, investors... We must be trusting and be trustworthy. Empathetic and empathized with. Developed and developing. We need people skills - communication, compassion, teamwork, delegation, management. We need to set our ego aside. Learn how not to hold others to the same standards as we do ourselves. We are not giving anything up in the process, only gaining. Find the right partner(s). It may turn out that the partnership itself was the prize we were after. Imagine coming up with an innovative scientifc theory or an original music score. There is no way we haven't used the theories of Newton, Maxwell or Bohr. Or the musical foundations set by Bach, Davis or Sabbath. Whether we know it or not, we all step on shoulders of giants. Hence, we should respect and recognize those who came before us. Just as we pave the way for people we'll never get a chance to meet. That's why it sounds funny when someone says "I built this with my own two hands". There's a moving video of Benjamin Zander, Boston Philharmonic conductor, tutoring an already accomplished young celloist. She's playing, he's sitting next to her. Passionately conducting as if pulling invisible strings between his fingers and the celloist. The celloist, however, remains focused on the instrument and her playing. Benjamin interrupts the performance: "Don't manage alone. Ever. Use everyone around you." Also pointing to the audience in the room. In the next try, her eyes locked on Benjamin. Surely enough, the next try is poignant. What others can give us is beyond favors, advice, and resources. We should indeed use everyone around us.
Karpman's Drama Triangle theory helps describe frequently found unhealthy social dynamics and remedy them quickly. To protect our fragile egos we retreat into one of the three roles : - victim (I am the problem) - savior (I will solve the problem for you) - aggressor (You are the problem) A victim blames their misfortune or failure on circumstances beyond their control effectively relinquishing responsibility and avoid accountability. Savior takes on more responsibilities than they can handle and rob others of any chance to redeem themselves. Aggressor actively avoids any responsibility and pushes accountability on others while blaming and belittling them. The three roles feed off of each other well. It's easy to imagine how the dynamics would work: a mistake happens. The aggressor blames and bullies the victim ("It'a your fault, idiot"), the victim is happy to blame themselves ("I'm such an idiot"). Reverse order is also an option, as the victim hurries to jump in front of the blame bullets. Then the savior rides in on a white horse interested in nothing but personal glory - not the resolution, not the people, not the good of the group. Here is the interesting part. Roles start shifting which raises the likelihood of conflict escalation and lowering that of a resolution. The savior or the agressor could become the next victim using the suffering of the consequences of the original failure as an excuse for victimhood. The victim or the saviour could become the aggressor retaliating or becoming sick of the situation not getting resolved and being surrounded by incompetence. The aggressor and the victim could become the savior taking matters into their own hands not to resolve the situation, but personal glory. There is a healthy way forward. First step is to recognize the faulty dynamics. Then we should identify our assumed role in the triangle and starty by changing the personal narrative as follows: - I am the problem -> I can solve the problem - I will solve the problem for you -> I will help understand how to solve the problem - You are the problem -> Identify real reasons for the problem and offer constructive criticism We get into a Drama Triangle only because we let it. With years of practice I became a master of the triangle observing my father's behavioral patterns. Spiraling between being a victim as an employee in the military behemoth administration by early afternoon, a savior of the household by being the sole breadwinner and an aggressor while home (never physically, mind you) in most late afternoons when all willpower and self-control waned. My mother was the savior most of the days. We could hear her victim and aggressor moments through the walls on the bad days. I'm not judging. My parents never gained the momentum required for triangle escape velocity. It was an economically and socially exhausted war-torn country. In a time when "soft skills" or "self-improvement" were not part of the vocabulary. Excuses we don't have nowadays. But I tattooed my emotional memory. Dug through, reappraising the episodes as I matured and recognizing the dark triangle's pull. Knowing the cause, the antidote, and the constructive approach of owning reponsibility has been a blessing time and time again. I'm grateful and empathetic of the people who granted me the opportunity.
The best metaphor for perfectionism I've encountered is “insecurity with lipstick”. We can be obsessed with being judged or making a mistake. We tie in our self-worth with the work we do or how other's may perceive it. A lot of effort goes into avoiding gut punches to the ego. We fool ourselves we can get someplace that doesn't exits. The answer is only we can and should determine how we feel about our work. Work that is never completed, but working on it must finish at some point. I had the privilege of working with brilliant people. Many set an extremely high bar for themselves. And often others, too. Frustration was inevitable. For any undertaking we are obliged to choose two out of the following three: quality, time, and cost. Perfectionism locks in quality. With perfectionist approach once we lock in time or cost - the dependent third variable goes off the chart. "Take all the time you need and money is not a issue" said a client never. "We need best quality at the lowest cost possible, but we need it done yesterday", said almost every client ever. Reasoning with client and team is part of the job. The sooner we do it, the better. The antidote to perfectionism is an agreed upon "good enough". No reasonable person will expect or argue for perfect. Including a perfectionist. We call it "perfectionism" but in fact the problem comes long before perfect. The problems arise even at "better than necessary" or "too good for resources available". Not being able to define "good enough" means you will be better off in a different client-team combination. We talk about clients, but the same issue happens at home. Co-owning a home teaches us acceptance. Either one will have to accept an imperfect kitchen, or the other will have to accept kitchen renovation taking forever. It happens in bands, trip planning with friends, and doing homework with kids. There's no better option between the two types of acceptance. The better option is doing it consciously and living with the decision. The British engineer, Robert Watson-Watt, credited with creating the "cult of the imperfect" has a brilliant quote on "good enough". Robert was part of the team working on the long range radar intended to detect incoming German bombers in WW2. The famous quote attributed to him explains it clearly: "Give them the third best to go on with; the second best comes too late, the best never comes." Learn to understand your impulses and control them, rather than the opposite.
John Locke's Labor theory of property was part of our undergraduate political science courses. Seemed as nothing more than a theory at the time. Now I find it applicable in a number of contexts. A quote from Locke's "Two Treatises of Government": "The labor of his body, and the work of his hands, we may say, are properly his. Whatsoever then he removes out of the state that nature hath provided, and left it in, he hath mixed his labor with, and joined to it something that is his own, and thereby makes it his property." Only that in which we invest our own work - physical, intellectual, energy, etc. - can potentially be considered our property or co-property. Feeling we deserve something comes through work. Work brings a sense of ownership because we have given a part of ourselves. In turn, having a sense of ownership raises the level of engagement. Once we are engaged, we invest. A few examples to illustrate how it works in the real world: - You buy a new guitar. It's yours now. But only once you've fiddled with it and invested time in making it sound right does it start feeling like yours. Once it feels yours, you are more likely to take care of it. - An investor feels much more as a part of the team only once they have actively contributed through work, not just financially. Passive investing doesn't build a sense of ownership. Additional investment, therefore, doesn't happen for any other reason than a return, not the purpose or the mission. - The apartment building's backyard starts feeling like home once a weekend or two are spent fixing it up. Once it's part of home, we are more likely to clean it again. - Kids at play see us as their equal once we've immersed in their scenario. We're also more likely to play with the kids, once we've already felt the enjoyment of being part of their play. - Our coworkers will see us differently depending on whether we come to corporate parties or not. Taking part in fun activities is part of the relationship. Relationships are part of work. Perhaps not for everyone, but certainly for many. We will never be "one of the guys" by not partaking in the fun. The theory helps explain not just how we perceive our stake, but also how others will perceive us. I believe it directs the logic behind all our relationships. Meritocratic systems are sustainable and efficient in the long term because of the corelation between privileges and effort. Doubt is eliminated, and so is the need to challenge the status quo. Hopefully this offers insight into not really feeling like a part of something. Or not accepting another as an equal in something you co-own. We signed the social contract millennia ago. Now it's leverage to get people engaged - give them a small task and build up their sense of ownership.
Once our mind is set on completing a task, we should give it our best effort and full attention. This does not mean obsessing with it. It will never be perfect. It does beg us to question whether we are indeed investing the thought, energy and time it deserves? Not everything does. Hence, it may not be worth an effort in which case we are better off choosing a different battle. But if we decide it's worth it, then a maximum effort is due. The best thing about maximum effort - the pressure of achieving success and fear of failure are obsolete. Giving anything less than our best effort and the pressure is back on. Because we have willingly given up control of a controllable and luck comes into play. Completeing a task should be tiring and challenging. Even if simple. Find an angle from which the simple task would matter, make a difference. Infusing importance will imply prioritization and minimize distractions. Marcus Aurelius describes it: "Concentrate every minute like a Roman—like a man—on doing what's in front of you with precise and genuine seriousness, tenderly, willingly, with justice." It's a conscious choice, the right choice. Whether it's a visit to the gym, a band rehearsal, or a weekly with the team at work - give it your best. If you're missing the why, then it's better to skip the task than to force yourself through it. My mother calls it "taking three seconds". Not rushing anything and considering everything. Eliciting awareness of what we are doing and why. What are the consequences? What is the purpose? What matters to the person we are doing it for? What may happen if I misstep? Our daughter regularly rushes through tasks she finds unappealing (every time she irons her clothes, the iron is left on the ironing board placed ideally for a toe-crushing booby trap). This can be frustrating, but it's also very natural. Not every task will gain our full focus, exactly because it's tiring and we're not machines. Just like not every conversation should be a chore. But deciding consciously to dive into something should also imply our full focus. As a person who can do one thing and one thing only at any given moment, I can say this rule is especially tempting.
I remember vividly what our city was like 20 years ago. The traffic, the pollution, the clunky sidewalks, the rude waiters... Some of that remains still. But objectively and despite shameless corruption, the overall quality of life has improved significantly. There's a metro system, sporadic practical bicycle lanes, a walkable sidewalk, most cars don't exhaust black smoke, and decent (albeit overpriced) restaurants are abundant. Still some way to go to becoming a top livable city, but considerably better than in the early '00s. It's bad, but also better. Most functioning systems from employee experience at work to global wealth distribution aren't that much different. Yes, we absolutely have wars, famine, terrorism, fascism, etc. In certain places and periods we stumble backwards. The key is not giving into sensationalist news vying for nothing more than profitting from a desensitized audience by feeding our innate negativity bias. They hold us back from acting, because we start believing we're either powerless or the situation is out of control. We should recognize the betterments, even the small stuff. Grant them due visibility and propel them forward. This is quite different from keeping our eyes closed - on the contrary. Every improvement is action against a wrong. We cannot realistically expect to eliminate all of them. Or even any of them, as they do tend to re-emerge. But we can reduce them. In my humble opinion, this is what most of us are doing on a daily basis when not depleted. We just don't give ourselves, or others, the credit. A must-read for anyone looking to preserve their sanity by way of pragmatic optimism is "Factfulness" by Hans Rosling. He passed away, but his kids carry on the legacy. The book is full of real stories of how our negativity bias misleads us. It's more than a book, because it's also a much wider movement. Take the test at www.gapminder.org and familiarize yourself with a worldview that will lift you upward and onward.
"There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self" - what a great quote by Hemingway. What good does it bring to you realizing that you're better or worse than another in anything, if you can even judge it objectively? Absolutely nothing. Feeding your ego perhaps? If so, ask yourself why you feel the need to feed it in the first place? Probably nothing good. Pushing yourself harder when not performing as well as another to ensure better performance in the future? If so, what happens when you do reach your goal of becoming the best? And the damage your self-esteem will take along the way and what would it take to come to peace with yourself again? At high school I was part of a class focus on mathematics. An experimental talent program of sorts. I ranked 10th, which was decent. However, I soon realized the imposing difference between the top four and the rest of us. The speed and depth of their capabilities was at a whole other level. More than anything, I'm thankful to have learned early on that there's peaks I won't be able to reach. Being that exceptional at something, though, usually came at a cost. I learned that, too, almost just as fast. I continued having, you could say, above average academic success, doing well in competitions, being awarded a full scholarship for an undergraduate degree, having a top five GPA in a competitive class, etc. After graduation, I was immediately offered a job, helped grow the company, gained financial independence, etc. But through all of this, comparing myself to colleagues, fellow graduates or friends wasn't part of my motivation. What helped me was keeping the cost of whatever success I had under control, my motivation intrinsic and being lucky enough to be surrounded by extraordinary talent and people. Recognizing and respecting the value of others, in my experience, is a more solid strategy than try to rise above them.
As comfortable as it feels - cosmic justice does not exist. This goes for all of us. But because it's such a comforting thought we're primed to believe it. "You get what you deserve", we've all said this, but it's wrong. There's numerous examples: dictators retiring in peace and living long comfortable lives, criminals never getting caught (our family's belongings were stolen on six different occasions - not one person was caught), innocent people spend a lifetime in jails, kids suffer from illnesses... An uneasy realization for sure. To spare us the uneasiness our brains evolved the "Just World fallacy". The healthy way is to look at it as a call to action. Bad things happen to good people, but that doesn't mean good acts can't reduce the bad. Dark exists where no light shines. We at least have the freedom to choose where to shine. Sometimes it may be enough, sometimes it won't. Unwanted results may give us a few sleepless nights before we accept. Standing idle while they are unraveling takes much longer to heal and forgive. The value of helping a hurt animal get well before returning it to the wild is not erased if another wild animal catches and eats it minutes after. Shit happens even when we do our best. Acceptance that things go wrong is more relieving than believing that everyone gets what they deserve. As is acceptance of the fact that greatest achievements may have been flukes. This is the painful truth.
A question I always ask candidates at job interviews is what made them decide to leave their current employer. It gives a sure-shot list of bullets for your employer value proposition pitch. They had a crap boss - you offer flat structure, empathy and open communication. They burned out - you offer work/life balance. They worked on a long-term unchallenging project - you offer multiple exciting projects. Beyond the sales process, the same can be applied to knowing how to help others and yourself. Carl Jung famously said: "Where your fear is, there is your task." Our fears and anxieties are roadsigns pointing the way to biggest opportunities for improving your experience of being alive. Anxious about losing control? Free yourself and experience the joy of letting go. Fear of failure? Realizing your successes and failures do not define you and mistakes are our best teacher. Afraid of losing a loved one? Accept that nothing is permanent and every experience you live through together is what counts and start enjoying each other more. If you don’t realize it, your mind is already answering the question of what it is that you want the most.
It was a hard-hitting moment of revelation when I realized that being a tall, white male with serious looking face and deep voice granted me privileges I had previously not been aware of. Sometimes my role, history, attitude or supposed competence in an area may have had something to do with it, but it's hard to argue that had I been a short woman of color with a soft voice and facial features I'd be as prominent. In any social setting via silent assembly the group's hierarchy is voted and within a few minutes pretty much agreed upon. Certainly, it gets challenged and thankfully so, but the fact remains that the shortcut way is much easier than everyone presenting a case for their rightful ranking. It just doesn't happen that way. Being aware of your place - up, down, publicly or secretly voted - is an advantage. Being in a position of privilege, albeit unconsciously dictated, carries a degree of responsibility. In any case, the rule is the same. To bring out the best from the group and ensure equity - the privileged must speak up to empower the less privileged. Because privilege brings less value when consumed alone, than if shared. The fastest should be at the end of the marching group. The loudest should invite the quiet ones to speak and speak last themselves. Top of the hierarchy should listen to the voice of those at the bottom, as they're standing on their shoulders.
We'll go to great lengths to protect our ego and not feel like an idiot. You're very reluctant to change your mind, because it would require your fragile ego to admit you were wrong before. And as this ego and karmic debt accumulates with time, it gets harder. But as you resist reality, it also works harder to persist. Eventually, you either disengage from reality or your own self - neither a healthy option. Certainly, it is less healthy than allowing yourself to believe that you're not the center of everything and that even if you were a lack of consistency, it is the most natural thing. No one cares about what you're wearing, saying, thinking or feeling. No one owes you anything. The world will do just fine without you. Realizing this helps you consciously shut down the subconscious mechanisms protecting you from imaginary harm. If the harm is real, then it's a clear sign you are already imperfect. And that's just fine and fixable. Marcus Aurelius wrote: "When your sparring partner scratches or head-butts you, you don’t then make a show of it, or protest, or view him with suspicion or as plotting against you." Our friends don't invite us into a chat group, colleagues make decisions without consulting us, teammates hurt us in practice, and family - you know. Mostly inadvertently. This doesn't define them or your relationship, and it definitely isn't about you. Just make note to be more careful with them next time, like your sparring partners in life. The weight of the crown of perfection and unmistakableness is so heavy it leaves very little energy for anything else. So, we borrow energy from external sources like other people's validation. Choosing to drop the crown opens you up to at least considering criticism, accepting and learning from mistakes, increases self-reliance and the almighty self-irony.
The expectation is always that others should behave as we would. Why? Because your way of doing things is the only and right way. How you fold clothes, how you wash dishes, how you format an Excel sheet, how you organize a team meeting, how you prioritize company goals, which university degree you should get, how much money you should make, ... I still remember my parents being quite disappointed when I told them that rather than pursuing a master's degree in US or UK I chose to stay in Bulgaria. I mean, who migrates eastwards?! But I also know the compulsive need to educate when watching people use a right-click menu to copy-paste things. Just because you feel disappointed or frustrated doesn't mean that you should. Is your way really the right way? How can you be sure? Is your way the only right way? Is your worrying about others' behavior in a given situation even justified? Is there actually a chance that you may learn something or that even if someone makes a mistake - they'll learn from it better than if you should them how? If someone's being rude or ignorant, should this bother you? Know that every day you will be tempted to comment or correct someone's behavior. Before you do, ask yourself these questions. Choose your battles and remember that we're all different.
Let's dive into the imfamous Dunning-Kruger Effect. "A cognitive bias in which people with limited competence in a particular domain overestimate their abilities" (Wikipedia). Or the first and often last phase of not knowing, i.e. the "unconscious incompetence". It comes from a combination of things: a) nothing is easy; b) ego protection ("if you can do it, I can do it"). The practical application is evaluating a person's actual skill level. An aspiring developer saying a programming language is easy. An alleged salesperson saying they can sell anything to anyone. A non-parent friend saying raising kids must be all fun. Football coaches on couches, politics experts in bars, ... Sometimes, I'll admit, it's good fun to just throw yourself around irresponsibly. I completely get it when someone purposefully does it despite consciously knowing how full of crap you are at that moment. But most of the time it's not a conscious decision. One the more memorable interviews I've had with a candidate went something like this: Me: "Why did you apply to be an Employee Experience Manager?" Candidate: "Because it's a management position." Me: "OK. Given that you have no previous experience as a manager, what have you done to prepare yourself for this role?" Candidate: "I worked with my manager and I read a book." Me: "Which book did you read?" Candidate: "Elon Musk's biography." Me: "What have you learned from it?" Candidate: "Oh, I didn't read the whole thing, it's too long." We said our goodbyes shortly after. Turns out that there's other factors in play than simple, blinding arrogance. We can hold only so many ideas in our head at the same time. Short-term memory generally limits us to between 5 and 9 items. When you're thinking about a task, you have less capacity to think critically of anything else - including your own competence. More than that, most situations have too many variables to consider and we simply cannot consider all of them equally well. Another key factor is feedback. Being in an environment where someone with a clarity of distance can help calibrate your confidence is paramount. Vice versa, if you're in an environment where you get non-critical encouragement consistently exacerbates the overconfidence (e.g. talent show contestants who just aren't ready for it because no one told them the truth). This is where healthy relationships are once again proven as invaluable. Another way to get feedback is by tracking data. For example, in our company we measured our initial lead conversion probabilities against actually realized conversion. That's how we found out that we're three times more optimistic than we should be. Teach yourself to recognize early when you're underestimating a task. Understand why it's happening and create countermeasures like actual measurement of your confidence vs accuracy and receiving feedback from people ready to keep you honest. Make it a habit to read overconfidence as a red flag, rather than a "GO" signal.
Perhaps the most important rule of all. If something has a solution, there is no need to worry about it. If there's no solution, worrying about it won't help. Every time there's a situation, use these three questions to guide you through: 1) Is it true? 2) Can we change it? 3) Can we accept and continue forward despite/because of its presence? This really is it. I learned this lesson when dealing with some severe anxiety. How I ultimately dealt with it isn't getting rid of it. You can't do that. What you can do is to learn to understand what it's trying to tell you. Without anxiety, we'd just constantly get ourselves into trouble. Things can look awfully not OK, but often your fight-or-flight mechanism is overreacting. Things are never fully OK, in fact only things guaranteed in life are pain, uncertainty and constant work. None of them are fully OK. Make peace with this idea and you'll never feel overwhelmed again. And don't panic.
The character traits you tend to cringe or get upset about are the best tell-tale signs of what it is that you don't like about yourself. Cheaters are jealous, imposters are sensitive to fakeness, and weak characters are bullies. If you're serious about coming to peace with yourself, you should use these signs to know where to start. In my case it was people acting fake. After a lot of soul-searching, I slowly started realizing why - the many personas I've been putting on throughout the years. The problem wasn't so much "wearing" those personas. It was about accepting that it's the normal thing to do. Next step was learning to forgive myself for doing it. Lo and behold, soon enough instead of getting upset I started becoming empathetic and trying to understand why someone is behaving in such a way. A lot of times it's insecurity. I even started admiring people who turned up their alter ego to eleven when in the public eye (David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust being a prime example). I think it's a huge benefit to have this tool at our disposal. A route to our individuation, integration of our subconscious and conscience self. So, what is it for you?
They are merely short-term feelings of greatness or insufficiency, and some memories to keep. Both are inevitable and the important part is simply doing better next time. There's nothing intrinsically good or bad about them - it's just feelings and lessons. Both of which are under your control. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to win - that's part of the experience that you shouldn't miss. Here's some other things to focus on when competing: - Making each other better - Using the common experience to build a community - Understanding that when a tide comes in - it raises all the ships - Promote healthy competition for everyone's sake - Enjoy the process, because you want to live through a meaning-providing experience like marking an achievement or overcoming an adversity. It took me too long to start enjoying playing sports fully. I found joy in being on the basketball court alone and learning my body to perform a shot in unison. I also didn't care if it went in (although it did start going in more than ever before). I didn't care if I lost a game or won it, it was about the experience of playing with others. The final score didn't make me more or less of a player, learning new things did. It also teaches you how to reach the "flow state". I learned that when shooting the basketball I am more successful when focusing on the movement (the process) than getting the ball inside the hoop. My personal best of 31 free throws in a row happened exactly like that. Today, I am less enthusiastic about the number than I am of actually being able to achieve that state - that's the real triumph.
Whether it's cleaning up communication, fixing a problem, getting into the right mindset or starting a big change - rather than blaming circumstance or others, starting with yourself. As they say, best direction to point that finger is at your forehead. What's great about making this a habit is not only that it gets you to a tangible result the quickest but also does so in the least frustrating way. And only because it depends on you, your biggest ally (instead of adversary). If there's one thing I'd like my kids to internalize it's to place the locus of responsibility within the borders of their own self. This prevents turning yourself into a victim or an agressor. It's also the safest way to resolution or acceptance.
You need them both. Analytics and imagination. Dreaming big and planning a realistic next step. Illusion of grandeur and sensible idea of capabilities. Idealist worldview and pragmatic choices. Lifetime aspirations and humble, everyday actions. Money makes the world go around, but art makes it worth all the spinning. Try to give enough time in your life - every day, every week. They inform, support and inspire each other. Some skills are acquired faster when dealing with one or the other. For example, teamwork is an immediate takeaway in theatre. But having no rehearsal schedule you won't ever get to the stage. Play with your kids, let your imagination go loose and learn to let go, but no presentation you ever improvise will be as good as it can be without sweating out the research and extracting the essence through multiple revisions. We don't have two halves of the brain by accident. Wonders happen just before you fall asleep or wake up when both work in unison.
In music there are no wrong notes. If you play the right note after a wrong note - you turn the wrong note into a right note. Life is the same. If you play your cards right after you've made a mistake - you'll have made the best out of it. Over 99% of people wouldn't turn back the worst experience of their lifetime. Why? Because of what it helped them learn, the people it helped them become. Test it out yourself? Now, what you can certainly do is keep repeating the same mistake. Go to meetings unprepared, hold your emotions locked deep inside, take crap from your boss... But it's the repeating of it that makes it wrong - nothing else. Instead of fearing them, believe in the power of mistakes. Remember - they're the only reason we've evolved, i.e. copying mistakes during the genetic material transfer between parents and offspring. Same happens as you're learning a skill, establishing rules and processes, or growing up and maturing as a person (a lifelong process to be sure). The bad mistakes are the ones that are left undiscovered or unchallenged. The ones you haven't respected enough by granting them due attention. A favorite example is the story of how the Greek translators chose to interpret the Hebrew word usually used for a young, unmarried woman (almah) as "virgin" even though the commonly used word for that would have been "bethulah". So that's how a deity ended up impregnating a young lady and starting quite a bit of a kerfuffle. A mistake that billions refuse to challenge millennia later.
Hiding our emotions happens for so many reasons: fear of being perceived as weak, not wanting to burden others with our troubles, believing our emotions aren't important, etc. But sometimes showing a bit of your own humanity can go a long way. I'm not advocating radical or uncontrolled emotional reactions - those aren't helpful. But sharing genuine emotions that show understanding or vulnerability can lower tension, inspire honesty and compassion, as they add a whole new dimension of how we perceive each other. Showing emotions isn't weakness. To be done mindfully it takes quite a lot of strength and courage. Moreover, communicating negative emotions de-escalates them, sharing positive emotions multiplies them. In those moments you are basically realizing that you matter, but also you open yourself to others' being just as important. I bet that the conversations you will always remember were the ones where a friend displayed a vulnerability or decided to let you in on their sorrow. Or the presentation where you could see the speakers’ lower jaw trembling with sadness, eyes watering up. A top sportsperson breaking down at the end of a high-stake competition, hugging their family. It's all about seeing a fuller version of a human being, forgetting about their role or persona they'd decided to put on previously. In these moments special things happen, and you shouldn't lock yourself of from gifting them to others.
The toughest part of coaching training for me was learning to refrain from sharing advice. Perhaps this list of rules illustrates it best. The temptation to offer an answer we're convinced will solve the other person’s problem can be irresistible. And sometimes it may work. But here's the problem: - What worked for me doesn't necessarily have to work for others because we all think and feel differently, and have a bespoke value system, at the very least. The book of life lessons should be a bespoke suit, not a one-fit-all fast fashion impulse buy. - Conclusions you come to yourself get engraved in your brain durably, because of the effort you put in. Just count the advice you can remember and then count the takeaways you've come to yourself. It's proven that when a teacher lets the students guess the answer no matter how wildly wrong, before revealing the answer, the knowledge retention is much higher than if the answer had directly been revealed. - The worst thing you can do for someone you care for is to rob them of doing something they could accomplish on their own, because you rob them of building a thought process, gaining confidence, and understanding that even wrong decisions are still useful and completely OK to make. One of the greatest wow moments in my life was doing practice coaching sessions. I was sweating like crazy keeping my advice-spewing mouth shut, but then something beautiful and unforgettable happened. By sticking to asking questions and letting the coachee sew that perfectly custom-tailored strategy made my eyes all teary. We keep in touch and remember that moment together. Try it sometimes, for your own sake.
We have the vessel we ride and the thoughts and emotions inside it. That's it. But that is truly ours. We can’t do much about all the external commotion but try to change or, if change is impossible, accept it. Hence, we should focus exclusively on learning how to drive the vessel and appreciate it in all its wonder. The only one responsible for how you feel, and act is yourself. Whenever you blame it on others or circumstances, you're just plain wrong. It's not easy, but that's just another excuse. And when you fail, don't be hard on yourself, just learn from it and move on to the next play. Because that's what you control. Everything else leads you away from true joy, calmness and keeping your vessel on course to wherever. This also implies that you shouldn't necessarily worry about others' reactions to your actions. This is their responsibility. But it's critical to emphasize that this shouldn't be read as "do whatever you like and don't worry about the feelings of others". This happens often. The key is first and foremost to do the right thing, guided by values of justice. Having the wisdom to define it and the courage to act on it. If this is what guides you - then indeed others feelings shouldn't be a factor. For example, you're breaking up with someone or giving them negative feedback. If you've thought it over and decided that this is your stance, then by all means you have to do it and not let the disappointment of others stop you from doing the right thing. It's a very critical distinction, quite different from proposing inconsiderate, self-centered and erratic behaviour. Remember, you control only your actions and reactions, but you influence everything and everyone.
As Newton's First Law of Motion states, a body remains static or in motion with constant speed until a force is applied to it. In much the same way, we tend to stick to our habits and established behaviors until something forces us to change them. The force can be internal and external. However, external forces are out of control, hence it’s immaterial to focus on them. However, we can control internal forces and if we want to change anything we must not only embrace but provoke them. Anything outside of the known, established pathway causes fear and anxiety, which is a normal, survivalist response tempting us to stay where it’s safe and warm. But given the above, this is not where anything in our control can bring about a wanted change. Conversations are a good example. If you wish to improve your relationship with anyone, sticking to chit-chat won't accomplish much. Either you need to step out of your comfort zone and start bringing up topics that could potentially elevate the relationship, or you should provoke the other party by asking fewer ordinary questions. There's the risk of breaking something, but it's the only way. Rewind your life. Without sacrificing the sanctity of the status quo, you wouldn't have won your friends, significant others, family, career paths, skill, knowledge, and any other resources which bring you the comfort you have now. So why stop?
Perhaps the most famous quote by Bruce Lee is: "Be like water, my friend". Amicable, multilayered quotes resonate and persist. This one without exception crosses my mind whenever change as a topic comes up. What the quote illustrates beautifully is that adapting to new circumstances is a dance, not a weightlifting exercise. Letting go of established beliefs and practices is tough. It feels unwise, as a betrayal to yourself even. But we needn't look back too far to find a plethora of examples where we thought we had figured out but completely didn't. Fundamental disruptions happen regularly in physics (the inexplicable weirdness and logic of the quantum realm), medicine (discovering new organs or functions of organs we would throw away in the past), business (latest obvious example is the AI bomb), etc. As always, all you can control is your actions and reactions. It seems logical that sticking to the old actions and reactions in ever-changing circumstances is unwise. Successful applications of being like water are all around us, too. Best basketball players change their plan of attack depending on what defense gives them. One new and able player at a poker table should make you rethink your style of play. A big new account for your business disrupts everything from operations to structure. Being a parent to a pre-teen and an adolescent a few weeks later calls for a rethink of your language, approach, role, etc. I'm still waiting to see a 5- or even 2-year plan pan out as expected. Truth is we all change as people. The you of today is not the same you as yesterday. Sometimes it's short-term factors like mood, energy level, context of location and social setting. But it could also be long-term factors like maturing or developing traits through experience. That goes for each of us. Try to talk to the person who's in front of you today and not burden the conversation with past judgements. You absolutely have the choice of sticking to what you know. Choosing your unchangeables. And for some I think you should. Finding them is actually a great way to discover universal truths that were valid millennia ago and will, therefore, remain valid for the millennia to come.
Salience matters. The spotlight analogy always resonated with me, because it vividly describes what's going on in our mind. We can only pay attention to so little. It's like that video where you're asked to count the number of times people pass the ball to each other. While you've been counting, a gorilla passed through the crowd, and you didn't even notice. Same thing happens to important things we forgot, weren't aware of or stopped paying attention to. It can be simple things like paying full attention to the whole of what our conversation partner is saying, how they're saying it, their intentions and body language, but it can also be things like your subconscious which while hidden is actively running your conscious life. Similarly you cannot work on improving multiple skills at the same time. Focus on one or two. Personally, when playing role-playing games, the first skills I always go for is the ones that help me gain experience and learn new skills the fastest. In real life I tried to do the same, i.e. focus on mindfulness, self-management, and similar skills which catalyze the development of other skills. Again, your spotlight can only handle a limited scope of things that interest you, but the good thing is that you can have full control of where it's pointed. Finally, remember that people and the world around us are always changing. If you use your skills - you'll improve; if you don't - you'll regress. Moving the spotlight away before you've accomplished your goal takes you back a few steps. Don't swirl the spotlight around and finish what you've started.
I talk a lot about mistakes and the value of mistakes. But this one really is about an attitude that you can make part of your identity. Loving the bomb comes from improvisational theatre, it's not related to the Dr. Strangelove love for the bomb. It's about not simply feeling comfortable with things going wrong - but actually relishing it. Making it a habit is like unlocking a superpower. You replace paralysis with invigoration. Panic with optimism. Problems with solutions. And you'll enjoy every second of it. It's the ultimate "Yes, and..." approach. Making something beautiful when provided with nothing but junk. In performing arts you can experience and learn this the fastest. That's why I'd always recommend doing it, especially live performances. Wrong guitar tuning while warming up for one of the biggest bands ever, canceling a gig on the spot as the venue's value system clashes with that of the band, forgetting lines in front of a full theatre... Only through experience do you learn to enjoy these moments. Recognizing them quickly and shifting the mindset from panic to creative mode. Laughing about it as the first step. Trusting and empowering a supportive, "all for one, one for all" team with the same mindset. Looking back, learning and truly cherishing the growth it gave you is the final wrapping. In business it can be perceived as more difficult to achieve, but I would always choose and/or build an environment where it's not. Because why wouldn't it be? Same goes for dealing with family, friends, personal issues... Just love the bomb.
Our shared responsibility is to rediscover the all-but-lost of art of differing opinions not standing in the way of civility and friendship. A big challenge given the increasingly diverse spectrum of beliefs coming from unprecedented exposure to ideas. Yet, we don't have much choice but to compromise as puritan and inflexible leads to even more rigid, unforgiving systems where ultimately choices do become binary. Latest example is corruption and captured states becoming common around the world because of people retreating from debates and tiring of compromises. I do believe in consensus. Most of us share common goals and values, with notable exceptions. But in most cases, you don't have the luxury of time and the clarity of an outsider's perspective for a "Twelve Angry Men" reenactment. So, consensus needs to be replaced by compromise. You see it every day in traffic as drivers change lanes. You go, then I go - or we all stop. It's instinctive and usually challenged not because you're an asshole, but because circumstances made you less tolerant on a given day. After being acquired as a business and being thrown into the lower circles of change management, "disagree and commit" became a daily phrase. The pressure of time and ongoing parallel processes needing to merge before considerable damage was done dictated to it. And we sure did disagree, and sometimes we even committed. And although individual battles were often lost, because of our aligned values and bidirectional willingness to compromise in the long term we all won. A few years later, after the second acquisition, we saw the other scenario at work - misaligned values leading to disagreement, committing and quitting. Practice shows that it's not about winning arguments, it's about finding the common values. And if you can't - you change business, bands or marriage partners. Compromises and hard work are all that's guaranteed.
A senior manager in our company planted a post-it note on a fellow manager's display with just one word: "NO". The goal was to remind the latter colleague that it's highly advisable to use the word, especially as you grow in responsibility. There are many reasons why we find it very difficult to say "no" to a colleague, but most of them are wrong. I would place the fear of being judged and the power of habit as the top contenders. Yet so many great things can come from it - practicing mindfulness of what's important, creating space to focus, protecting your well-being, etc. All beautiful and necessary goals. The wonder of creating a culture of saying "no" is that it ultimately becomes a widely accepted practice. Meaning that now not only are you protecting your personal time, to-do list and health, but so is everybody else. The fear of being judged dissipates and the habit of "yes" gets turned on its head. More things get done with less fuss because now people are more mindful of not only their time, but others' also. Like becoming part of a secret club, where the secret is simple and wonderful.
What if we expand the "start less, finish more" principle beyond our to-do's and into our habits, principles, possessions, relationships, emotions, thoughts, values...? Personally, just the thought of decluttering life feels liberating and like a breath of forest-after-rain air in the lungs. Eliminating the unnecessary we create more space for what truly matters. But just as importantly, sometimes we can feel that space with - nothing. The greatest luxury of them all and, according to some, the key to happiness in the shape of lack of desire. How often have you said: "And I just sat there. Doing nothing. And how blissful it was"? And how often have you intentionally sought after it? Tranquility is a blessing, but it also circles back to creating space to realize what is and is not essential. It's a valuable habit to be applied in just about any aspect of our lives. Like most habits it’s transferable to other aspects. Start where you feel like it's most comfortable and work from there. You'll thank yourself for it. Because you'll finally find the time and the space to do it.
Also known as "Rome wasn't built in a day". A statement as cliched as it is difficult to apply. I surely lose track of it on a regular basis as I wonder what incomparable, unforgettable miracle to create with a conservative one-time effort despite never having won the miracle lottery in close to half a century of life experience. For some reason, I often realize the truth behind this in retrospect. There are several accomplishments I take pride in which, as it turns out, all have come to be through consistent, daily baby steps - kids, marriage, friendships, business, band, communities, these rules as debatable as they are... Why then given the overwhelming evidence, is it difficult to find motivation on a zoomed in part of life’s timeline? Personally, often it’s losing sight of the larger purpose or identifiable prosaic causes like low dopamine levels. Whatever the cause, I believe it's one of life's important missions to push through the obstacles and keep moving forward. One sleepy, tired and self-resentful step through the door in morning cold weather at a time. These small wins against our worst, momentary selves are the secret to our proudest achievements.
A side effect of the massively influential cognitive bias known as "availability heuristic". We lean towards the familiar, instead of what's often the wiser choice. Frequent examples I've witnessed involves people sticking to their old ways of working despite new tools, knowledge and resources available to them. The ways to make your life easier are countless and widely accessible: shortcuts, fast typing, Excel formulas, YouTube tutorials, any new AI tool... If you're doing the innovating and swimming against the availability stream, remember the MAYA principle: most advanced, yet available. It invites us to take the best of both worlds. A strong example was how Spotify realized that including familiar songs in the music discovery playlist increased user engagement dramatically. You can't leapfrog humanity from the wheel to AI and fusion, just as you cannot teach your accounting staff to skip from basic Excel sheets to making smart dashboards in Python. Generally, you'll hear about the availability bias in another still practical, but less applicable context. We base our quick judgement on factors like recency, vividness and hype. Examples like plane crashes taking up more media coverage than car crashes, hence more people worry about flights than travelling by car. Or a recent trauma. Or believing that all people suffering from the Tourette syndrome swear - it's just one of the many ticks they could have, but perhaps the most prominent or socially shocking one. Or just about any hype that came and went. As always, awareness of the throught process behind our decisions is just as important as the decisions themselves. We ask it of AI, may as well require it from ourselves.
How much would a field worker accomplish if they didn't know about the shovel or how to use it? It's a guaranteed high ROI venture to learn which tools can help you and best to use them. Certainly AI will be doing much of the work for us all, but that too is a tool. And you will still need to know how to evaluate the AI's work. You will still benefit from knowing how to type (for those arguing for voice commands as being the answer, I challenge you to fill in any form requiring large numbers by speaking only). Moving from 50 to 90 words-per-minute can save you years over a lifetime. Learn how to present your ideas, how to tell stories. Learn languages. Find the best sources of information and learn to use them. Figure out the physics behind your guitar's sound or the physiology of your singing voice, it will unlock your creativity. Which chair won't cause back pain? What's the best way to take a sharp turn safely or drive down a steep hill? And, for the sake of everything good and holy - learn how to REALLY use spreadsheets and word processors.
Curiosity is the fuel that drives our growth. We've all heard how the best investment is to invest in yourself, but what does that actually mean? I tend to rewind to the three sources of meaning as defined by Viktor Frankl: 1) purposeful/creative work; 2) experiencing other people; 3) overcoming an obstacle. All three provide not just a sense of purpose, but an expanded horizon on top. We do it all the time: traveling to a new destination, moving into a leadership role at work, learning how to play an instrument, joining a new community of people, tasting a new dish... What you may not have noticed is that each of these apart from the immediate effect also broadened your worldview - never the reverse. We must actively seek such opportunities. And seek to provide them for those we can. As business leaders, parents and friends. I will never forget how back in highschool a friend who'd never had the chance to be abroad (a common thing in 1990's Balkan countries) and then he got to visit his brother in Sweden. The way he viewed our city and our people changed. More critical of our society, but also more appreciative of what we had. Once you've seen waste-free streets - you're less likely to drop bubblegum wrappings on the pavement. Another example is the visits we would get from our colleagues in the UK. Always curious to find out more, the ones who did come absolutely raised their level of understanding with their counterparts. Same happened with people from our Sofia office travelling to meet the teams in Skopje and Prishtina. Nearby geographically, but quite different cultures in many aspects (e.g. working hours, commuting, lunch rituals, etc.) As a civilization, we're closer to each other than ever before and, despite temporary setbacks and the poisonous effects of de-individuization happening online, overall we're becoming more progressive - or let's call it accepting of our inevitable differences. A great trick to opening a mind to a new idea is through being open-hearted and funny. It relaxes the brain, lowers your guard and like a Trojan horse slips in knowledge. For example, self-irony opens a door for someone to view you less critically or a witty cultural reference could unlock a next level of acceptance between relative unknowns. In short, being less afraid to open yourself to others helps us develop ourselves and our relationships with others. Bringing a sense of meaning, on top of all the other benefits. as a path to unlocking new knowledge.
Countless days I'd come back from work wondering where the time went and what the hell I actually accomplished. Then I received a piece of advice - do three things every day. They could be small tasks taking no more than several minutes, or a result of a bigger effort, but you should be able to realistically bring them to 100% completion. Writing an e-mail, completing a client request, checking in on a person or a group, etc. You will likely accomplish much more than three of these in a day, but the difference is that now you're doing them purposefully and with full awareness. This time they will not escape you. And you will have moved the needle and know about it. The difficult part is really sticking to the plan, that's why it's critical to keep the tasks bite-sized, manageable and meaningful. A day is short. Our perception of how much we can accomplish in a day tends to be optimistic. Failing big plans can be demotivating. Mindfully accomplishing tasks is uplifting. With time we get a better understanding of our true efficacy. We learn how to provide better estimates - one of the most common errors less experienced colleagues make. Hence, it's even more important to learn this lesson early. And why stop at a day? Apply the same to your week, month, or year. Keep it simple, not overly ambitious. I guarantee you won't let a day slip by ever again (unless you want it to, which is OK - especially if done on purpose). With accumulation and focusing on putting one foot in front of the other is how you accomplish the big things which a day, month or even a year won't fit.
I suck at multi-tasking. Many people claim there's no such thing, but I've personally witnessed it. For example, my daughter can successfully be unbeatable in a weekend sleepover debate and do her homework. Meanwhile, I'm at the office, people are talking to me and I'm not even registering the voices. No matter how hard I try, I will only ever marginally improve my multi-tasking. And that's OK. Because I've figured out that I'm also able to focus deeply on the task at hand and maintain continuity by effective interruption handling. You cannot escape your weak points completely - embrace them, turn them into advantages. On the other hand, strenghts you can rely on and develop thanks to your predisposition. The trick, as it often is, lies in being self-aware. Deeply analytical people won't and needn't wow your clients with flashy slides and Broadwayish presentation skills. However, if the client brings in their CTO - by all means get your "charmless" nerd in the room and see them build rapport at quantum realm speeds. Conversely, inviting the colleague who cannot contain their inner Zsa Zsa Gabor into a sensitive 121 with a troubled employee where the key is listening actively may not be the best idea. But if you need someone to get a frosty team building event crowd going - look no further. Life's too short, skill trees too broad and circumstances to varied for Supermen. Even they've got cryptonite to worry about. Find out what "your thing" is. It's more than one, usually, but never all. Stick to that and learn not to manage alone.
During a Q&A session after a "Master The Failure" talk series event I was asked what my biggest personal failure had been. Unexpectedly the answer dawned on me - whenever I was not my best self for my family. I've agreed with it ever since and often come back to it. The reason seems to be that I see it as a duty to be fully present and able for those I care about the most. As anyone who's thought about it will tell you - being your best is awfully hard if you're not feeling good in your skin, i.e. not happy. By happy I don't mean a frantic emotion like being ecstatic, but a quiet, sustainable joy granting calm and flow. Hence, I see happiness, as defined, as a moral obligation towards our family, but also colleagues, friends and partners. And more than this. Emotions are contagious. A 2002 Yale study proved it. Especially the leader's emotions which can either lead a group's dynamics and performance to prosperity, or to failure and burnout. I'm willing to bet everyone reading this has felt it, even if they haven't direclty registered it. A leader I worked with and still see as an inspiration used to say that the first responsibility of any leader is to radiate energy. I couldn't agree more. And as we're all internal combustion machines first and foremost - keeping the inner fire going should be the first order of business as we show up. It doesn't came naturally to all. People with innately high dopamine levels do it without thinking. Worriers find it more difficult. But the good news is that EQ is a skill and, like all other skills, can be developed. Smart people divided the abstract EQ into clear segments: self-awareness, social awareness, self-management and relationship management. EQ and its components are a forever human trait which makes the difference between long-term success and failure. Exactly because it maximizes the value of the group around you, as well as your own.
In 1980 a political science professor Robert Axelrod decided to test Prisoner's dillema strategies against each other in an iterative tournament. Why is Prisoner's dilemma a key game theory scenario? It is an approximation of the real world: animal or human groups in cohabitation, corporations in business relations, biological cells in the same organism, etc. A non-zero-sum setup where both participants could benefit through cooperation. Hence the strategies from the simple game can be translated to practical scenarios. Never losslessly, but as good enough approximations. Typical scenarios included always defecting, always cooperating, tit-for-tat (you screw me over, I screw you over next time), random, Pavlov (if last outcome worked well I repeat), etc. A round-robin tournament with 200 iterations in each match-up. Long story short, turns out that "nice" strategies produced the best results. They didn't just thrive individually, but the overall result including all strategies thrived, as well. Here are the main takeaways: - Don't be an asshole - not trying to defect and test the trust of your partner is mutually beneficial - Don't be envious - just because someone triumphed once over you, do not immediately challenge your kindness and give them a second chance, because you'll both start playing a losing game - Don't be naive - if someone is consistenly taking advantage of your nice-first strategy, you should start showing your teeth sending a signal that you're not simply going to sit and take it - Don't be too smart - don't try to complicate things and make it clear for your partner what your strategy is, i.e. be transparent in good or bad These align beautifully with everything that a moral person would intuitively believe. Except that it's measurable, convincing proof that being "nice" is not a disadvantage, if managed carefully. Believing in evolution picking traits for best survival of our genetic material, perhaps this is why we're predisposed to be trusting and decent. It's not just us. In nature there's plenty of examples of animals doing favors for each other for no direct, selfish benefit (e.g. antilopes removing parasites from each other, squirrels making sounds when seeing a predator, etc.). The strategies work for dealing with partners we're in direct relations with. Expand this to the increasingly interconnected nature of our species - does it still hold true? That's an interesting question. But playing around with the environment (nice and selfish strategy ratios, asymmetric benefits for the two partners, removing knowledge of our partners previous behaviours, etc.) - offers up a lot of space for consideration.
We don't do things for one of four reasons: 1) not knowing what 2) not knowing how 3) not having resources 4) being afraid If you're hesitating on anything - use this checklist to break down the issue and focus on possible solutions. If you don't know what you want to do, what I would suggest is to ask yourself what is it that you really want to do? Because if you really want it (and its realistic, which most goals are) - you will find away. At the very least you will give it your best shot and learn a lot from it. If it seems to big, break it down into manageable components and just trust the process making baby step after baby step while applying the same approach as described here. If you don't know how, it's the cheapest excuse. Especially as of late. There's more learning resources than ever. There's already more now than when you started reading this. Since the introduction of LLMs especially. Look at all the young talent on the social media. Sure, there's a survivorship bias and lots of social engineering at play, but certainly the path to learning, say, guitar playing has changed drastically in the past 20-30 years. Same goes for anything from quantum physics, to investing, to putting on make-up. If you don't have the resources, it can be tough, but knowledge is power. There's resources lying in wait, so you will need to dig for a while before you uncover them, but perseverence can take you a long way. And there's always loans. The trickiest resource is time, the only non-renewable resource as far as we know. But no time spent in a meaningful way (creating, experiencing or overcoming adversity) is wasted, just converted. If you're afraid, use loss aversion. Make it more expensive not to act, than to act. Make public commitments in your justifiable moments of confidence. Invest in resources you will need putting yourself in the situation to have to act because you wouldn't want to waste them. Or just find someone who believes in you and partner up.
I almost ruined a friendship once, but learned a valuable lesson. We were still students and two close friends had a conflict which I didn't witness. One shared with me what happened and I felt strongly I should stand up for them. I did so hearing one side of the story. Needlessly to say, the other friend didn't appreciate my taking sides. We still talk. But that event from what feels like another life time looms in the air to this day whenever we meet. I respect that mistake by doing what I can not to repeat it. Mind you, no one had bad intentions in the situation. The conflict between them would have resolved tracelessly on its own, because it really was trivial. The first friend to approach me didn't ask for my involvement. I alone rushed to stand up for what I thought was right. The other friend naturally felt wronged and downgraded the level of trust towards me. And yet, persistent damage had been done by way of judgnig without having full information. Second-hand information represents a large proportion of our sources. Getting quality information takes up a lot of resource while sucking the fun out of it. Being off-guard, unavoidably biased and constantly tempted is bound to lead to misjudgement. At key junctions, however, we should really be mindful of the considerable damage one little spark of assumption could do.
You put 32 pieces on an 8x8 chequered board, create six profiles for how they can move and attack, and get each set of pieces one move per turn and - voila! You've got a game that can play out in more ways than there are atoms in the universe which after 15 centuries of studies by the brightest minds (and AI) is still an intruiging, bottomless phenomenon. You put a few constants together, a few forces and a few dozen laws of physics to govern them - and you have an infinite cycle of endless universes. You create a set of values, a mission, a team of people and several key processes - and you could have a unicorn company established. Could you, similarly, lead a good, long life with a simple set of rules, as well? I think you probably could. The essence is that in order to create a complex working system, you don't necessarily need to come up with equally elaborate set of rules to govern it. Understanding all interdependencies and explaining every possible outcome within the system is a different matter. But for the most part you should be able to recognize if it's functioning sustainably with a decent degree of confidence in a relatively short time. You could also use those rules to simulate a fast-forwarded version, i.e. project outcomes. Which ever system your running, whether it's a group of people or a process, it's good to establish what are the rules that govern it. You will find many which you may not have known existed. Once you understand this, you can tweak and project possible outcomes with corresponding probabilities. You could borrow rules from analogous systems. In any case, this will simplify your problem space because instead of thinking in terms of and dealing with case-by-case events, you will be thinking in terms of processes which are long-lasting and replicable. About that good life? I would pick the following principles: wisdom, courage, justice and temperance. Stoics came up with this one from before chess was invented. Still works.